Why Do I Feel Like I’ve Lost Myself Since Becoming a Mum?
You love being their mum.
But sometimes you miss you.
The person you were before your days revolved around school runs, meals, appointments, activities, washing, work and remembering what everybody needs.
Perhaps someone asks what you enjoy doing and you struggle to answer.
Or you finally get some time to yourself and realise you don't actually know what you want to do with it.
You might look at old photographs and remember a version of yourself who seemed more spontaneous, confident or carefree.
And then you feel guilty.
I wanted to be a mum. Why do I miss who I was before?
Missing parts of yourself doesn't mean you regret becoming a mother.
Sometimes it simply means that somewhere amongst caring for everybody else, you've stopped having much space to be yourself.
Motherhood changes more than your routine
Becoming a parent changes everyday life dramatically.
Your time is no longer entirely your own.
Plans require more organisation. Your priorities change. Relationships can shift. Work may look different.
But motherhood can also change the way you think about yourself.
Before children, you may have described yourself through your interests, career, friendships or personality.
Then "Mum" becomes one of your biggest roles.
It can be meaningful and important.
But when one role becomes so large, the other parts of your identity can become quieter.
When did I stop knowing what I wanted?
As a mum, you become very good at knowing what other people need.
You know what your children like to eat.
What they're worried about.
Where they need to be.
What needs buying.
What your partner is doing.
What the family needs next.
But what do you want?
For some women, that question becomes surprisingly difficult.
Perhaps you've spent years making decisions based on what works best for everybody else.
Eventually, your own preferences can become almost automatic afterthoughts.
You might say:
"I don't mind."
"Whatever everyone else wants."
"I'm easy."
But underneath that may be a genuine uncertainty about what you would choose if the decision were entirely yours.
Why do I feel guilty wanting more?
You may have a comfortable life and a family you love.
So wanting something for yourself can feel ungrateful.
Perhaps you want more independence.
More stimulation.
More time with friends.
A different career.
A hobby.
More connection with your partner.
Or simply some time when nobody needs anything from you.
Wanting those things doesn't mean your family isn't enough.
No single relationship or role can fulfil every part of who we are.
You can love motherhood deeply and still need parts of your life that belong only to you.
"But I don't know who I am anymore"
This feeling can become particularly noticeable as children get older.
When they're very young, their needs can dominate everyday life.
Then gradually they become more independent.
Suddenly there may be small spaces where you used to be constantly needed.
You might expect this to feel freeing.
Sometimes it does.
But it can also leave you wondering:
Who am I when I'm not looking after everyone?
This isn't necessarily a crisis.
It can be an opportunity to rediscover parts of yourself that have been quiet for a while — and perhaps discover entirely new ones.
You don't need to become your "old self"
Sometimes women talk about wanting to "get back" to who they were before having children.
But you've changed.
You've had experiences you hadn't had then. Your priorities may be different. You may want different things.
Perhaps the goal isn't to return to an earlier version of yourself.
It's to discover who you are now.
You might start with small questions.
What gives me energy?
When do I feel most like myself?
What have I stopped doing that I used to enjoy?
Is there anything I've always wanted to try?
Who do I enjoy spending time with?
What would I choose if I didn't automatically put everybody else first?
You don't need to immediately reinvent your life.
Identity can be rediscovered gradually.
What if I've spent my whole life looking after others?
For some women, motherhood isn't where this pattern began.
Perhaps you were already someone who found it difficult to say no.
Maybe you've always been the reliable one, the peacekeeper or the person other people come to with their problems.
Motherhood can intensify those patterns because children genuinely do need us.
But over time, it can become difficult to tell the difference between caring for others and completely overlooking yourself.
You are allowed to exist alongside the people you care for.
How can therapy help?
Therapy can provide a space where the focus is on you.
Not your children.
Not your partner.
Not what everybody else needs.
You.
As an integrative therapist, I draw on Person-Centred Therapy, Attachment Theory and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). We might explore your identity, relationships, self-esteem, boundaries and the expectations you've developed about who you need to be for other people.
You don't need to arrive knowing what you want.
Sometimes therapy begins with simply recognising:
"I know I'm not unhappy with my family. I just don't feel like myself anymore."
That is enough to start exploring.
You are still in there
Becoming a mum adds an important part to your identity.
It doesn't have to replace everything that came before it.
You can be devoted to your children and want something that's yours.
You can enjoy motherhood and miss your independence.
You can put your family first sometimes without putting yourself last every time.
And perhaps rediscovering yourself isn't about becoming the woman you were before children.
It's about making space for the woman you're becoming now.
I offer counselling and therapy in Sheffield and online.
If motherhood has left you feeling disconnected from yourself or unsure about what you want, you're welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial conversation.
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