Why Am I So Anxious?
Sometimes anxiety has an obvious cause.
You have an important meeting coming up, you're worried about your relationship, something is happening with your family or you're facing a period of uncertainty.
But sometimes anxiety is much harder to explain.
Life might actually be going quite well, yet you still feel on edge. Your mind won't switch off. You overthink conversations, imagine what might go wrong or find yourself worrying about things that haven't even happened.
You might find yourself wondering:
Why am I so anxious when there's nothing obviously wrong?
Anxiety doesn't always make logical sense. Understanding what's happening — and why your mind and body might be responding this way — can be an important first step towards changing your relationship with it.
What does anxiety actually feel like?
We often think of anxiety as worrying, but it can show up in many different ways.
You might notice racing thoughts, difficulty concentrating or a constant feeling that you've forgotten something. Perhaps you replay conversations afterwards or spend a lot of time trying to predict what might happen next.
Anxiety can also be very physical.
Your heart might race. Your chest may feel tight. You might experience butterflies, nausea, dizziness, tension or a feeling that you can't take a satisfying breath.
Some people don't necessarily think of themselves as anxious at all.
Instead, they might say:
"I just can't relax."
"My brain never switches off."
"I always feel like I should be doing something."
"I constantly feel on edge."
Anxiety can become such a familiar background feeling that you don't realise how much energy you're spending managing it.
Why does my brain keep looking for problems?
At its simplest, anxiety is connected to our threat system.
Your brain is constantly assessing what's happening around you and trying to keep you safe.
If it thinks something could go wrong, it prepares you to respond.
That's extremely useful when there is a genuine threat.
The difficulty comes when the alarm system becomes particularly sensitive.
Instead of only responding to immediate danger, your mind may start responding to possibilities.
What if I make a mistake?
What if they don't like me?
What if something happens to my children?
What if I've upset someone?
What if this feeling means something is wrong?
The more you try to answer every "what if", the more questions your mind can produce.
This is one reason anxiety and overthinking so often appear together.
Why do I feel anxious when everything is going well?
This can be particularly confusing.
You may have a comfortable home, people who love you, a good career or a life you've worked hard to create.
You might think you have nothing to be anxious about.
But anxiety isn't a measure of how good or bad your life is.
Sometimes people who are used to being busy, responsible or alert find it surprisingly difficult to relax even when things are okay.
Your mind may have become accustomed to anticipating problems.
When there isn't an obvious one, it starts searching.
You might even notice yourself feeling uncomfortable when life is calm, almost as though you're waiting for something to go wrong.
Could my past affect how anxious I feel now?
Our experiences can influence what our minds learn to expect.
If earlier relationships or experiences involved unpredictability, criticism, conflict or feeling responsible for other people's emotions, you may have learned to pay close attention to what's happening around you.
Perhaps you became good at noticing changes in someone's mood.
Maybe you learned to avoid making mistakes, keep other people happy or think carefully before saying what you wanted.
These patterns may have been understandable ways of navigating your environment.
But sometimes they continue long after the original circumstances have changed.
As an adult, this might look like overthinking other people's reactions, struggling with conflict, needing reassurance or finding it difficult to switch off.
This doesn't mean every experience of anxiety comes from childhood. There can be many reasons someone feels anxious.
But understanding your own history can sometimes help make sense of patterns that otherwise feel confusing.
The pressure to keep everything under control
Anxiety can also become closely connected with control.
If you can plan enough, prepare enough or think through every possible outcome, perhaps nothing will go wrong.
So you make lists.
Double-check things.
Rehearse conversations.
Ask for reassurance.
Try to anticipate problems before they happen.
These strategies can make you feel better temporarily.
But they can also unintentionally teach your brain that uncertainty is something you need to protect yourself from.
The challenge isn't to become someone who never worries.
It's learning that you can cope even when you don't know exactly what will happen.
Why can't I just stop worrying?
If you've ever been told to "stop worrying", you'll probably know how ineffective that advice can be.
Trying to force thoughts away can sometimes make them feel even louder.
Instead, it can be helpful to become curious about your anxiety.
What tends to trigger it?
What do you do when you feel anxious?
Do you seek reassurance?
Avoid things?
Overprepare?
People-please?
Try to control situations?
Keep yourself constantly busy?
Understanding the pattern can be more helpful than criticising yourself for having it.
How can therapy help with anxiety?
Therapy can give you space to understand both what keeps your anxiety going now and where some of those patterns may have come from.
As an integrative therapist, I draw on Person-Centred Therapy, Attachment Theory and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
CBT can help us explore the relationship between your thoughts, feelings and behaviours, including patterns such as overthinking, avoidance or reassurance-seeking.
Attachment-informed work can help us consider how earlier relationships and experiences may influence the way you respond to uncertainty, closeness, rejection or conflict.
And importantly, therapy provides a space where you can explore what is happening without feeling that you need to have everything figured out beforehand.
Anxiety doesn't have to control your life
The goal of therapy isn't necessarily to make sure you never feel anxious again.
Anxiety is a normal human emotion.
But there is a difference between experiencing anxiety occasionally and feeling as though anxiety is making decisions for you.
You can begin learning to recognise anxious thoughts without automatically believing them.
You can become more comfortable with uncertainty.
And you can understand what your anxiety may be trying to protect you from.
Sometimes asking "Why am I so anxious?" isn't a sign that something is wrong with you.
It can be the beginning of understanding yourself differently.
I work with adults experiencing anxiety, overthinking, low self-esteem, relationship difficulties and the impact of difficult or traumatic experiences.
I offer counselling and therapy in Sheffield, as well as online sessions.
If anxiety is taking up more space in your life than you'd like, you're welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial conversation and see whether therapy might help.
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