When Being a Mum Feels Overwhelming – Even When You Love Your Children

Mum feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by the emotional and mental demands of motherhood.

You can love your children more than anything and still find being a mum overwhelming.

You can feel incredibly grateful for your family and still crave time alone.

You can enjoy motherhood and sometimes miss the person you were before everyone needed something from you.

These things can exist together.

Yet many mums find it difficult to admit when they're struggling. There can be an expectation that because you chose to have children — and because you love them — you should somehow enjoy all of it.

So when motherhood feels exhausting, frustrating or relentless, another feeling can quickly appear alongside it:

Guilt.

"I love them, so why am I finding this so hard?"

Motherhood can involve holding an enormous amount in your head.

It's not only the practical jobs — meals, washing, school, appointments, activities and getting everyone where they need to be.

There's also the thinking.

Remembering that one child needs something for school tomorrow. Noticing another seems quieter than usual. Working out what everyone is doing at the weekend. Remembering birthdays, appointments and forms. Thinking about whether you're spending enough time with them, whether they're happy and whether you're getting any of this right.

Even when you're sitting down, your mind may still be working.

And because much of this work is invisible, it can be easy to underestimate just how much you're carrying.

The pressure to be a "good mum"

Most mums want to do the best they can for their children.

But sometimes wanting to be a good mum can quietly turn into feeling that you need to be a perfect one.

You should be patient.

Present.

Interested.

Calm.

Emotionally available.

You should cook the right food, encourage the right activities, limit screens, create memories and somehow enjoy every moment because "they're only little once."

Real life doesn't work like that.

Sometimes you're tired.

Sometimes you're distracted.

Sometimes you lose your patience.

Sometimes you don't want to play.

Sometimes you want to close a door and have nobody ask you a question for half an hour.

None of this tells us how much you love your children.

It tells us that you're human.

Why do I feel guilty wanting time away from my children?

You finally get some time to yourself — and then feel guilty for enjoying it.

Perhaps part of you thinks you should want to spend every available moment with your family.

But needing time where you're not responsible for somebody else isn't the same as rejecting them.

Having space for yourself can be an important part of maintaining your own wellbeing.

The difficulty is that some women have become so accustomed to prioritising other people's needs that they aren't even sure what they would do with time for themselves.

When someone asks:

"What do you want to do?"

you may genuinely not know.

When did everyone else's needs start coming before yours?

Motherhood can intensify a pattern that may have existed long before you had children.

Perhaps you've always been the person who looks after everybody else.

You notice how people are feeling.

You don't like disappointing anyone.

You find it difficult to say no.

You feel responsible when somebody else is unhappy.

Once you become a parent, there are naturally times when your child's needs do have to come first.

But there is a difference between sometimes putting your children first and gradually reaching a point where your needs don't seem to count at all.

You may become very good at noticing what everybody else needs while becoming increasingly disconnected from yourself.

Why am I so irritable with the people I love?

Sometimes overwhelm doesn't look like sadness.

It looks like irritation.

Someone asks you one more question and you snap.

Your partner leaves something for you to deal with and you feel disproportionately angry.

The children are arguing and suddenly you can't tolerate another sound.

Then afterwards comes the guilt.

"Why did I react like that?"

Sometimes irritability is a sign that your emotional capacity is already stretched.

Think about carrying bags of shopping. One extra item isn't particularly heavy when your hands are empty. But when you're already carrying six bags, one more can feel impossible.

Our emotional capacity can work similarly.

The question may not be:

"Why am I getting so upset about something so small?"

It might be:

"What am I already carrying?"

What happened to the person I was before?

For some women, another part of feeling overwhelmed by motherhood is a gradual loss of identity.

Before becoming a mum, you may have had more independence, spontaneity, hobbies, friendships or ambitions that belonged entirely to you.

Motherhood doesn't erase those parts of you, but they can become harder to access.

Years can pass while you're focused on raising children, working, managing a home and keeping everything moving.

Then one day you realise you're not entirely sure what you enjoy anymore.

You know who you are as a mum.

But who are you when nobody needs anything from you?

That can be an uncomfortable question — but also an important one.

You don't have to be struggling badly to need support

Sometimes women dismiss their own feelings because other people have bigger problems.

You might think:

"My children are healthy."

"We have a nice life."

"I should be grateful."

And perhaps you are grateful.

But gratitude doesn't cancel out exhaustion, anxiety, loneliness or overwhelm.

You don't have to choose between loving your life and acknowledging that parts of it feel difficult.

Both can be true.

How can therapy help?

Therapy can offer something that can be surprisingly difficult to find when you're used to looking after other people: space that belongs to you.

You don't need to arrive with a clear explanation of what's wrong.

Perhaps you simply know you're exhausted.

Maybe you've become more anxious or irritable.

Perhaps you've lost confidence in yourself, feel guilty whenever you prioritise your own needs or aren't sure who you are outside of being a mum.

Therapy can give us space to understand what's happening underneath those feelings.

As an integrative therapist, I draw on Person-Centred Therapy, Attachment Theory and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), allowing us to explore both what's happening in your life now and the experiences and patterns that may have shaped how you relate to yourself and others.

The aim isn't to help you become a better or more perfect mum.

It may simply be about making sure you haven't disappeared from your own life.

Loving your children doesn't mean loving every moment of motherhood

You can love your children and need a break.

You can be grateful and overwhelmed.

You can be a good mum and sometimes lose your patience.

You can put your family first and still recognise that you matter too.

And acknowledging that you're finding things difficult doesn't mean you've failed.

Sometimes it's simply the point at which you begin making a little more room for yourself.

I offer counselling and therapy in Sheffield and online, working with adults experiencing anxiety, low self-esteem, overwhelm, relationship difficulties and the impact of difficult or traumatic experiences.

If motherhood has left you feeling overwhelmed, anxious or as though you've lost touch with yourself, you're welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial conversation.